Realizations of a real relationship

I've realized today, crying in my way home from work that I don't believe God has my best interest in mind. 

If I believed He did I wouldn't have such a hard time with working teaching and caring for other kids whilst mine is at daycare. I would be focusing on how I could best be His tool for building the kingdom. Instead I find myself horribly selfish and I can not see a way out except prayer and tears. 

Why is it so hard to explain why and how we feel? Good or bad, it's a human right of passage it seems to try to relate to one another's experience. When doing this we also trudge through the muck of unutterable feelings that refuse to find words of proper definition. Without these words and hopefully sentences- communication can't take place ruining the loneliness of feeling like the last idiot on earth. 

For clarification and truth: He does care and have the best for me if I can learn to trust Him fully with my heart. God doesn't deal in partial commitment. However God always loves partial people. Thank you God. 

What am I doing?

This blog started off with big goals in mind and shifted as I found more of my identity in being a mom rather than an artist with a day job- and let's not kid ourselves artist around the world dye in day jobs. 

All along I should have found my identity in Christ and blogged because I wanted to write and not be worried about the rest but somewhere inside me I'm still hoping I can make my money with a blog someday and stay at home with my baby girl while she is young. I want to be a housewife in a day and age when that larger than life job is considered to be beneath my gender age and station by so many. So many but me. 

I'm going back to to why I should have started this blog and I may make it private. No offense. I am in need of catching on fire again. I hope for being a housewife. Life changes and I must change too. 

Remenants of a summer

These pictures are from the historic a society of Greensburg, IN and the pictures of the square grand are specifically for you http://victoriaelizabethbarnes.com so I hope you enjoy.

This is a great example of murini work in a glass paperweight from the 1930s. My husband David and I had a field day explaining how it was made to two older ladies running the joint. 

We even had a moment that felt like the Antiques Road Show from pbs where we turned it over and revealed clues to its origin and date because of the word 'China' scrawled on the bottom. Thanks to our trusty googling skills and glass history we were able to inform them just how wonderful and somewhat worthless it was. The experience was priceless. 

This is front of a church nearby. 

It's amazing to me how fast this summer has flown by. I feel a great since of dread and a pinch of excitement as I return tomorrow to another school year- my second as an Art teacher. 

Dear God let it go more smoothly. 

Leaded glass from a second story building in the courthouse square. 

Summer Vacation

This may read like that of a fourth graders first semester paper written in the loathed first week of school but I'm hoping I have better stories and perhaps better spelling. 

Obviously my run on sentences are on par. 

There are two things necessary for a family road trip with a ten month old to succeed. Those two things are sleep and kindness. Humor is a close third but without at least one of the former humor cannot exist. 

I feel that as I grow up I can never be too kind. I feel that used to be kinder and some of it drifted away. I know the old saying is there ever present in a different age but we should be able to use it today as well. Props to you if you do genuinely.

  "You're too kind.." It said sincerely is something of sweet southren beauty. 

We have seen a lot of Midwest and had many laughs so far. Best of all of course has been the food- my recommendations are for Joplin, Mo is The Red Onion, Cuba, Mo is at the Bakery and Deli on Main Street, and Twiggs in Chesterfield, Mo. If you must only visit one go to The Red Oinion and have the soup and order a slice of pie for me- I was too full from my steak dinner to press on into delicious deserts.  

Nightmares and Pinterest

Anytime I have a bad nightmare I pray.

I pray a lot. 

I have a lot of bad nightmares.

I pray a lot. 

They used to be night terrors but God has dilivered me thus far and I beloved he will the rest if the way if I would fill myself up with him only. 

However I still have lots of nightmares and after I'm done praying away the horrid dreams such as last nights.... Giant hermit crab attacking me and my family and my foot being pinched off by the big claw and eaten whilst my baby girl is saved by my mom and my husband shoots the crab and rescues what is left of me. 

Anyways....after such dreams I pray and after prayer sometimes comes sleep- most times....

But then there are the other times when every foul and evil thing that can spring from the corners of my mind ends up surfacing and sleep is gone- wakeful stupid reality of no sleep sets in and I surf the Pinterest. 

What do you do when you can't sleep? 

What's left out....

Many of the design blogs I follow hold pristine pictures of homes manicured and  manufactured by sole individuals creative minds and limited budgets. Or at that is at least what they would have you believe.  

The very idea of a cost efficient renovation is hilarious to me. And don't get me started on how photoshopped and lighted those pictures are of people's homes. Please come to my door! Bahhh. If only... 

Be gone spirit of discontent! 

It's money you are spending on something you deem valuable. If you want: treat yo' self! If you can't afford it: cue that song- ....love the one your with.....

My husband and I are raising our daughter, now just past nine months old, and are on phase two of the renovations we have planed for our 1954 ranch "Birdhouse". 

I've been struggling with this blog like most people do with their first blog to find my rhythm, pace and focused topic of choice. It's a blog about me and I am at heart an Christian artist. However I'm not in the hotshop these days. I'm in the classroom teaching elementary art, breastfeeding, or renovating. My latest personal artistic endeavor was dyeing my hair rose gold. 

All this to say I think I've found what it is I wish to blather on about here to this great internet void. 

Everything. Well aren't you surprised. 

No... Really, everything they don't tell you in those blogs. The helpful stuff. Not the how too if this beam support that joist or the  this paint color with that fabric texture.  

How to not kill your husband or yourself when plan A, B or C - X doesn't work out....

How to feel pretty when your hair is dyed Not rose gold.....

How to not kill your mom when she's just trying to love and help you.....  

Ya know that kind of stuff. 

To be continued....

Today...

Today doesn't feel like a gift. Today is a gift.

Today didn't feel nice. Today was nice. 

I didn't feel good after a visit. Yet the visit was a good one. 

So many times things don't feel like they should. Things are not what they seem. They are what they are and I must step back and breathe before I feel, breathe before I cry, breathe before I react. 

I love my husband and my daughter. I love my immediate and extended family - sometimes I feel sad no matter what. I can and will remember that God is good always, even when I'm seeing things not as they are but feeling them as they seem.

 I will follow Him and not just feel better but be better as well. 

All that she learns....

 I hope that I learn a ton this year. No. I hope that I learn and do not repeat a ton this year. 

It sickens me that I'm working while 8 hours a day my darling girl is at daycare where others are taking care of her for chump change in today's market of child care. Granted they do a fantastic job for chump change, but when you don't think that every little fart is precious coming out of a 7 month old it isn't like you feel that you are curing cancer. 

I can only imagine what it takes to work the job. 

I only know that I do consider every fart that comes out of that little teradayctal< sp? humanoid girl of mine is precious to me and that if it wouldn't cost me my marriage and serious harm to my relationship with God I'd rip her out of this wonderful care and selfishly carpe denim the heck out of each singular day I had with her at home. 

Can you tell I want to be a stay at home mom? 

Not yet. 

This is what I tell myself in hopes that yet will come someday. If it doesn't then I will have hell to pay in regrets only God can heal. I pray he heals all I have now for not preparing better. I will never live it down. 

I didn't know it would be this way. I didn't understand the love I'd feel. I absolutely though I would never be that woman who would gladly volunteer to change a million diapers over the years and want to have all the kids she could physically and financially. I thought I'd travel till' age 40 and then find some nice man to travel with some more with.  We'd retire and integrate into his already established generations somehow. That was my plan. God had other plans. 

This life chose me. This is God's plan. I will trust him each day if I choose it. Professionally and spiritually I pray I choose it. 

Social media quandary

Wow! What a whirl-wind.... its been a while but that being said more has happened than time has allowed. This song pretty much sums up being a first year elementary art teacher, being certified, having a baby, helping your husband study for architect exams- all seven of them.... oh yeah and life as usual.

 This has been my life recently regarding this blog and all the other social media methods:

This is how I feel about my social media life. I want to feel connected with friends and family but somehow all I do is end up seeing them less and less the more I Instagram, Facebook, Facebook messenger, Pinterest or tumbler. I waste away my time on lusting after things and three second amusements that add squat to my life. 

Don't get me wrong I've learned and done a lot useful with these mediums of communication. But it hasn't helped me enough to outweigh the bad it brings with it. 

What do you use and how? I know the how makes all the difference.

The Good with the Bad

I've finally learned in life that accepting the bad with the good does not mean you give the bad permission to happen. 

It does not mean that you have an expectation for the bad of life to fulfill its destiny.

If you can accept the bad that happens in this fallen world then you can truly enjoy the good. 

The bad doesn't spoil your day. It makes the good richer somehow.

 It makes the good more pure and something precious in our lives. 

Good things, simple or extravagant, seems as if they are the best version of themselves. 

As if every good moment is on an interview and nailing it.

There were a lot of hard times this past nine months but I'm in awe of how good life can be with my baby's life in the world.

Her story has just begun. While my story is the better for having her in it. 

Dream Givers

This week at church I realized a shameful truth. I've been on a journey discovering, owning, burring, uncovering, renowning, embracing and planning for a dream that I've never even fully committed to God in the first place.

In the beginning it was about not feeling like the dumb girl in the room that could be creative. Every life skill but the marketable ones.

Then it was about acceptance of my intelligence and a fierceness that needed to develop before it turned from ignorance into stupidity.

Finally it became a passion and a little blog to help me plan for the dream to actually happen.

All the while I was acting out of fear as it seems is my life long struggle to choose between acting out of fear or acting out of trust in God. If you know God as your savior then you know what I mean.

I have spent the last years on this journey and I'm so glad that now is when I've arrived here. Part of me wishes that I could have made this moment cement in my heart sooner but God's timing is perfection. I've come to find this true in the testimonies of others and in my own life.

I'm prego. Three months and some change now- 

God has other plans for this glass girl right now. Instead of choosing to let it terrify me. Instead of letting it make me run myself into the ground this summer doing as I had intended:

enjoy my time off teaching in

110 degrees of blissful hot blowing glass-

all summer long-

and building a portfolio so full and wonderful-

that it had to end up on-

 Dragon Street in Dallas, Tx-

 titled: My first solo show....

Instead of all that I will spend it surrendering to what God has for me 

option #1- feeling well... I'll prepare for a new life in this world.

option #2 -feeling bad I'll ....I don't even know. 

It is hard considering I have constant reminders of the work I want to do all around me from my years in college building a craft and a message worthy of saying through art. Prayers for this endeavor however  menial it might seem in the grand scheme of things. 

- HH out. 

The shameless truth about glass artist

So rather than apologize for not posting I will not feel guilty and just start again. Lots happened. Lots has changed in my life but one fact remains constant as a glass artist: unless you are working in a third world slave shop punching out constant cookie cutter pieces, you will not do this for a living unless you make it into the select cycle of high art.

Note the ever popular: YouTube video

At Christmas this become highly evident as glass ordements sparkle and shine bringing joy to millions. I hang my few kept glass ordements made by moi on my tree with loving care and wistfully wish I had more to make. More demand. 

So here I am trying to make the best of the little orbs of bittersweet truth. My husband wanted more ordiments on the tree so here I go.

 I'd leave these this beautiful marron color if it wasn't still a childhood nightmare. My mom loved it as used it as an accent in her home everywhere as well as an entire room dedicated to it. We also grew up in a minivan ewe lovingly called the blood vessel it was the same color inside and out. So I'm changing the color. Here's how. 

First remove the stems:

Next clean up all the glass:

Then find some cardboard, might I suggest the box your new fireplace screen came in? And put the longest nails you can find in that mess of a garage still hopeful of redeeming anything but a wet hound after a hunt. Place the nails in it like so: 

Then place glass upon it like so:

I will spray paint these soon and then decorating will commence. Leave your color suggestions below. Also I apologize for the poor quality pics....husband was working on the electrical for the sake of all the little fingers coming to celebrate Christmas at our house this year. 

 

I'm Still Alive.

You know when you make that promise to yourself that you, 

"...will reach your goals…" 

and 

 " I'm going to blog more because it really seems to help me. " 

and then you arrive somewhere between, 

"… Yeah, I'm taking my summer off when it comes to my blog, it's common in the blogging world…"

and

 "…Oh, thats right, yeah. Yeah. Yeaaaah! ….

*ahem*

 ..I mean - YES!  I do have a blog."

Then they:

Well I'm still alive. I have more cards. My life these days is filled with being a teacher, struggling to stay on a health related diet, renovations continuing and somehow getting out of debt.

 I don't believe how fast time has passed and I owe this blog so much of what has happened in the last couple months. I want more of this change in my life so I will persist, even if there is no one out there reading.

 I'm still alive. I'm still gaining ground and I'm still in love with Jesus and who he is making me  into. I don't have much more than that but I don't need it. 

~HH

Funny how life is.

Where have you been? Well Funny you should ask. This gif tells all about how the last year of my life has gone. Wait…. what is that you say - timestamp says otherwise? Its only been a little over a month?

 Nah. Must be a glitch because I've done 5 p90x workouts….

….had a car wreck that totaled my Roxie of 9 years…

…..and overhauled everything I have ever considered acceptable to digest. Pintrest fail btw- these were a waist of good avocado. 

 Also I got to play with this thing…. SO FUN!

Yes definitely a glich. More time must have pasted because I would never dare abandon this blog to live life or rather what has been going on lately: my life living me. Do you ever feel that way? Let me know. Also let me know if you see Ron Burgundy anywhere- I need his hair tips. 

-HH

"This may sound like gibberish, but I think I'm in a tragedy."

This blog post of course goes under the heading of:

 Art

If you haven't seen these movies than you should. If you have than you have a window to my soul. Almost all the movies I love have two things in common. They are usually bittersweet movies about life and they hold some kind of biblical truth amongst the lostness of humanity. 

 Disclaimer for the movies below that are based off a book. 

I have not read the book. The book is always better and I do not apologize for loving the movie or watching the movie and disregarding the book. The movies that have been based on books that I've read are not listed below because as previously stated, the book is always better. Books and movies are two different mediums and as such I can love them differently. The end. 

1. Waitress: This little slice stars amazing actors and actresses and fulfills the film as art/food as art with creative narratives through pie. The music choices are fantastic and the insight to life makes you stop judging and start loving those in need of help. It like many of the films I love is bittersweet.

2. Lars and the Real Girl: This is an amazing movie that tells us how to treat mental illness in all of us. It has the sensitivity of a bloodhound and is just as Gosh Darn cute! It is funny in all the right places and teaches us to laugh rather than cry about the tough things in life. This one is a bit bizarre for the average love story but its one to watch. 

3. Dan in real life: This one I love more than most because it really does discribe how messy life is when you seek love. It also shows how striving for perfection alone isn't as good sometimes as the greatness in a chaotic loving mess that happens together. It has that amazing soundtrack. Also hilarious. 

4. Star Wars: I'm not just a fan, I'm a made your own costume to go get dressed up to see the movie on its anniversary in theaters - get published with star wars insider - cried when I heard Sir Alec Guinness died- wrote my own fanfiction kinda fan. Best movies ever. Word.

5. Stranger than Fiction: This movie is eye candy, every shot is beautiful and the story is bittersweet as well. Narratives of love and stories themselves as well as death call you to look with thanks on your life a and challenge you to make it the one you've always wanted. It has awesome set design, music and the script has some of my favorite lines to quote. 

6. Sabrina: Ok so I know this isn't the original, and the original is awesome, and Audrey Hepburn is where it is always at- love her. But this is one amazing movie. Julia Ormond and Harrison Ford are amazing. I honestly have lived this life. The life of Sabrina in so many ways reminds me of my own. Probably my favorite love story of all time in so many ways, the love of a father for his daughter, the unrequited love, and the unexpected love of your life right under your nose. This movie is the reason I play with rose petals. 

7. Fantastic Mr. Fox: The only claymation movie that doesn't absolutely terrify me. Little known fact about me is that if there is in fact a phobia for this I have it. Time stop animation + clay figures is horrifying, especially the christmas specials. Except Fantastic Mr. Fox. I don't know if it is because of its amazing realistic quality, folk-art style music or perhaps the combination of Matt Damon, George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Bill Murray and Owen Wilson doing voices for the characters that lulls me into a restful state. But the story is great and so is the film. Young or old can be thrilled by its playful yet relevant themes. 

8. About A Boy: I watch this movie every christmas because its brilliant to watch a meaningful movie that doesn't just have likable characters allllllll the time. Likeable characters are in chick flicks and they are boring and predictable. This is a great story and it has THE best soundtrack in its context.  Also the set design is another favorite of mine. If you are ever feeling alone in the world…. watch this movie and find time to not be an island. 

9. My Best Friends Wedding: Ok so after my rant about chick flicks I bring you this. This is possibly the cheesiest movie about unrequited love and best friends ever. I will not apologize for waving my pretend lobster hands and sing along in the burst out in song segment of this movie. Nor will I apologize for completely sympathizing with the characters, yes all of them, in every way in my young life. Hilarity and cheese… so much cheese. 

10. Gladiator: And to top off these ten movies I give you the crowning glory of it all. I do love a good epic and Gladiator is one of the best epics out there. It is poetic and beautiful as well as bloodthirsty history. I don't know why the roman times get to me in such a deep way but it must be the old soul in me that finds the roots. Many things could drive my love, yet it always come down to the story. This has one of those soundtrack that I've memorized and can summon in my head if I can't sleep at night. It is also scene for scene just breathtakingly beautiful.  

Foodie Moment

Talk to me about food. Food is an amazing type of art right? 

It can be just enough to maintain the body or it can change your life. 

I made it a while back and am just getting around to posting about it. 

This is one of my favorite sandwiches and it is made in this order.

Bread (toasted and cooled)

Meat of choice. (turkey or chicken)

greens

cheese of choice. 

tomatoes salted and peppered.

pesto

mayo 

bread

I am choosing not to eat dairy, soy, wheat, much red meat and alcohol of late for health reason but that's a different story for a different day. Today you should make this sandwich. 

Paperweights and Other Passions

Of late I've been ill, exhausted and funny thing this… between another two jobs. I started this blog with a concept of making my life as an artist/wife/ everything else fitting into a day job and achieving my art on the side. Its not the way I'd like it because I've never had day job that was any where fulfilling enough as pursuing art. 

Until now. I am no longer an Artist at a Bank job. I am still teaching at SiNaCa Studios and it has been amazing.  I have put in our two weeks notice at the awesome bank I'm at. I'll maintain my relationship with them financially but I'm continuing on in a place that fits me better. 

I'll continue teaching at SiNaCa. And soon I'll be teaching kids at a school too. Teaching at SiNaCa Studios has been an amazing experience. It has taught me more about myself than I thought I'd ever know. Now I knew I loved working with glass and sharing my passion of the material with others when I teach the basics of the material. But what I didn't know is that I love the teaching aspect almost as much as I like the working with the glass itself. 

Soon I'll be teaching full time: glass and reading skills to K, 1st and 2nd grade. 

Pretty excited. 

Thrift and SPACECOW

Welcome to another thrifting adventure! This is where I share with you all the things nifty I find at a thrift store and don't buy. Because as we all truly know…. its about the find. 

This awesome lamp could not be more hideous upon first glance but then I thought to my self with the preverbal double take…..

…those elephants…

"yesss?"

….that white….

*ummmhhuuumm…..*

….the gold details….

"Well who doesn't like those?"

SWITCH THE LAMPSHADE!
(its really the ugliest part)

Boom. 

That just happened, can you see it? 

I can. 

It would go in a room arranged slightly like this… or this….

Or you could adopt this lovely green set of glasses. As a glass artist and person who loves the both the utilitarian and beauty of the material in daily life I try when possible to leave behind first world joys of buying the funky cheap glass wears at the tar'geea that we all know and love. I choose of late to purchase second hand what I find if I have need of something glass. That way I'm not ruining my career as a glass artist or yours as one either. If you don't know what the heck I'm referring to…. you really should watch this vid

Actually you should watch this vid never mind any deep cause I have. 

These are amazing glass workers. 

Next we have a fancy little art deco hardware number that will hold your jewery or makeup with a good cleaning and a perfect way to listen to the chipmunks sing christmas songs on 3x the speed. Holla' at cha if you did that in your childhood every December and July. 

Also a fine example of craftsmanship is this 1950's chair and its partner. A true steal at $40 a piece but they stayed for another to take home. On the right here we have a beautiful example of what glass can do once manipulated by a novice glass artist. I wonder who made this flower and if they made it's cleaver stand as well….

And then there is 

SPACECOW. 

What did you do before her?

You'll never know.

You'll never know!