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Wednesday, April 6, 2016

All that she learns....

 I hope that I learn a ton this year. No. I hope that I learn and do not repeat a ton this year. 

It sickens me that I'm working while 8 hours a day my darling girl is at daycare where others are taking care of her for chump change in today's market of child care. Granted they do a fantastic job for chump change, but when you don't think that every little fart is precious coming out of a 7 month old it isn't like you feel that you are curing cancer. 

I can only imagine what it takes to work the job. 

I only know that I do consider every fart that comes out of that little teradayctal< sp? humanoid girl of mine is precious to me and that if it wouldn't cost me my marriage and serious harm to my relationship with God I'd rip her out of this wonderful care and selfishly carpe denim the heck out of each singular day I had with her at home. 

Can you tell I want to be a stay at home mom? 

Not yet. 

This is what I tell myself in hopes that yet will come someday. If it doesn't then I will have hell to pay in regrets only God can heal. I pray he heals all I have now for not preparing better. I will never live it down. 

I didn't know it would be this way. I didn't understand the love I'd feel. I absolutely though I would never be that woman who would gladly volunteer to change a million diapers over the years and want to have all the kids she could physically and financially. I thought I'd travel till' age 40 and then find some nice man to travel with some more with.  We'd retire and integrate into his already established generations somehow. That was my plan. God had other plans. 

This life chose me. This is God's plan. I will trust him each day if I choose it. Professionally and spiritually I pray I choose it. 

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