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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Realizations of a real relationship

I've realized today, crying in my way home from work that I don't believe God has my best interest in mind. 

If I believed He did I wouldn't have such a hard time with working teaching and caring for other kids whilst mine is at daycare. I would be focusing on how I could best be His tool for building the kingdom. Instead I find myself horribly selfish and I can not see a way out except prayer and tears. 

Why is it so hard to explain why and how we feel? Good or bad, it's a human right of passage it seems to try to relate to one another's experience. When doing this we also trudge through the muck of unutterable feelings that refuse to find words of proper definition. Without these words and hopefully sentences- communication can't take place ruining the loneliness of feeling like the last idiot on earth. 

For clarification and truth: He does care and have the best for me if I can learn to trust Him fully with my heart. God doesn't deal in partial commitment. However God always loves partial people. Thank you God. 

Monday, September 26, 2016

What am I doing?

This blog started off with big goals in mind and shifted as I found more of my identity in being a mom rather than an artist with a day job- and let's not kid ourselves artist around the world dye in day jobs. 

All along I should have found my identity in Christ and blogged because I wanted to write and not be worried about the rest but somewhere inside me I'm still hoping I can make my money with a blog someday and stay at home with my baby girl while she is young. I want to be a housewife in a day and age when that larger than life job is considered to be beneath my gender age and station by so many. So many but me. 

I'm going back to to why I should have started this blog and I may make it private. No offense. I am in need of catching on fire again. I hope for being a housewife. Life changes and I must change too.