Realizations of a real relationship

I've realized today, crying in my way home from work that I don't believe God has my best interest in mind. 

If I believed He did I wouldn't have such a hard time with working teaching and caring for other kids whilst mine is at daycare. I would be focusing on how I could best be His tool for building the kingdom. Instead I find myself horribly selfish and I can not see a way out except prayer and tears. 

Why is it so hard to explain why and how we feel? Good or bad, it's a human right of passage it seems to try to relate to one another's experience. When doing this we also trudge through the muck of unutterable feelings that refuse to find words of proper definition. Without these words and hopefully sentences- communication can't take place ruining the loneliness of feeling like the last idiot on earth. 

For clarification and truth: He does care and have the best for me if I can learn to trust Him fully with my heart. God doesn't deal in partial commitment. However God always loves partial people. Thank you God.